I agree wholeheartedly with this practice.

In fact, I’ve been doing it for a while professionally. From a business perspective, it just makes sense, it makes me happier, and it allows me to really serve the people I am meant to serve.

I was talking to a brand new friend about this topic yesterday, and the thought occurred to me: Why not apply this same concept to my personal life?

I know for a fact that my personal and professional life are very connected. It stands to reason that if I’m not applying the red velvet rope policy to my personal life, my professional life won’t be as successful as it could be.

So, what is the criteria for my personal red velvet rope policy?

In the past I’ve considered this idea in a more general sense. But when I applied the same level of thought and detail that I’ve applied to my professional life, I found that the answers are actually the same. Not surprisingly, my personal and professional criteria are identical.

So, here is my criteria:

• Smart (book smart, street smart, creative smart… any kind of smart)
• Quick thinking
• Willing to laugh at themselves
• Always trying to improve
• Good listening skills
• Reliable (do what they say they will do)
• Admits mistakes and tries to fix and learn from them
• Takes responsibility for their own situation
• Willing to tell the truth, even when it isn’t popular or easy
• Respectful of me and others
• Realistic (not overly optimistic nor overly pessimistic)
• Introspective
• Open to new ideas and ways of doing things
• Willing to make a commitment to the relationship

Yes, this is quite a long list. You might think that not many people would meet all these criteria. And that is probably true.

You may also be thinking, “Who the heck does she think she is? How conceited must she be to think she can create criteria like this?”

Or maybe you are thinking that I’m not open to lots of different kinds of people.

But here is how I look at it…

My red velvet rope policy doesn’t apply to acquaintances, or Facebook friends, or Twitter followers, or people I’m casual friends with.

It is NOT about eliminating people from my life.

It is NOT about judging people.

It IS about me spending most of my time with people who inspire me to be the best I can be.

In my professional life, I do workshops and teach classes, and some of the people in attendance aren’t a perfect fit for me. That’s okay. I still like them, enjoy our time together, and want to make sure they get value from the experience.

I just don’t think they or I will be best served by a more formal relationship.

This is also true for close friendships.

While I will always have people in my life (and business) who don’t meet all these criteria, the people I’m closest to should come pretty darn close most of the time.

If not… well, maybe it is time to reconsider the type of relationship that makes sense.

I must say, it is very liberating to consider this in my personal life, and I can already feel that this will have a positive impact on my business. I’m just a happier and more productive person in general when I surround myself with people who truly belong on the inside of my red velvet rope.

So, of course, it seemed to make sense to question my assumption that…

I am not capable of doing pull-ups.

Do I really know that I can’t do a pull-up?

Isn’t it true that other people can do pull-ups, and that they weren’t born being able to do them?

Can’t other women do pull-ups?

I had to admit that the answers were No, Yes, and Yes.

My excuse has been this: If I can’t even *begin* to pull myself up, how am I ever supposed to improve?

I started researching ways to strengthen the muscles that are used for pull-ups, but quite frankly, it got a bit complicated and depressing. I’m not a gym rat, nor am I interested in physiology.

Then, lo and behold, the answer presented itself!!

The amazing pull-up machine for wimps!!

As you can see, it looks like some sort of evil torture device, or worse, a way to inflict capital punishment in an especially barbaric way.

But once I got over the look of it, this machine became the way to improve my strength so I can eventually do a pull-up unassisted. It will counter-balance part of my weight so I can slowly work up to a “real” pull-up.

Yay!

I’ve only used it twice so far. My performance was pathetic. But I’m confident that if I keep at it, I’ll eventually meet my goal.

Of course, I never would have tried if I hadn’t questioned that darn assumption…

You don't know what lies beneath that shiny business suit until you take it off

A little over a year ago, I made one of the bravest decisions of my life.

I decided that I was going to focus full time on running my own business.

Sure, I’d been dancing around it for almost a decade, coaching as a “side hustle” as Pamela Slim would say. But deciding to do it “for real” – as in getting up in the morning and focusing on it all day – was a very scary thing.

The funny thing is, although the changes I have made in my professional life have often been a challenge, they are nothing compared to the effect these changes are having on my personal life.

Let me back up…

I believe that most of us have two personas: personal and professional. For some of us they are very different, for others they are almost identical. During the first 20 years of my career, both of my personas were completely intertwined.

I was one of those annoying people who couldn’t talk about themselves without discussing what they did for a living. I *was* my job title.

That changed a year ago, and at this point I’m finally 90% comfortable with this change in my professional persona. I coach people through this process, and I’ve seen it work magic. In fact, I was feeling a bit smug about how well it worked.

I thought I was almost done with my own transformation.

Wrong.

My professional and personal personas. I wonder which one is which?

Although I preach about it all the time, I *still* forgot about the other half.

My personal persona.

I massively underestimated how much changing my professional persona would lead me to change my personal one. All of a sudden, I’m challenging assumptions that I could never have imagined questioning.

Even answers to fundamental BIG questions are no longer clear, like…

• What do I like to do?
• What do I NOT like to do?
• What kind of people do I enjoy being around?
• What risks am I willing to take?
• Who am I willing to upset in the process?

As it turns out, this whole personal persona shift is much more frightening than I imagined.

So… I’m going to do what any good blogger does. I’m going to share my progress in this blog.

My goal is to share where I’m at, how it is going, and what assumptions I’m challenging at the moment. Sometimes the challenges will be large, other times they will seem trivial.

Once one assumption falls, they all fall

But it really doesn’t matter how large or small they are. I’ve learned that even small changes are like dominoes… each of them are tiny, but they have the potential to affect hundreds of others.

I appreciate your encouragement and hope you will get to learn from some of my mistakes.

Here’s to a year of challenging assumptions and becoming someone new!!

7th Grade. I'm the one in the purple shirt, 2nd row, 2nd from the left. Ouch. I guess taking my glasses off didn't really help...

I was one of those annoying kids who always got straight A’s. Add to this the facts that I was shy, had extremely short hair, wore glasses, and had braces, and it is apparent why I wasn’t the most popular girl in middle school.

Oh yeah… one more thing… I was very…um…well… let’s just say I wasn’t very athletic. Not surprisingly, my least favorite class was gym. And the worst part of the year was when we had to take the horrifying President’s physical fitness test (or whatever it was called). I’m not even sure it still exists, but this was a standardized fitness test that all kids had to take back in the 70′s and 80′s.

I hated the entire test, but there was one part that was particularly horrible.

Why the hell does she look so happy?

The pull ups.

OMG.

I could never understand how ANYONE could even possibly imagine pulling themselves up. I would just hang there. Absolutely no movement. None.

It was mortifying.

Plus, my grade was on the line. Since I couldn’t even *begin* to pull myself up, I was in danger of failing the test, and hence gym, because I “wasn’t trying hard enough.” I resigned myself to a big fat “F” in gym.

As I hung from that bar like an idiot, I could feel the tears starting to form. “Great,” I thought, “not only am I a complete wimp, but now I’m going to cry.” I could hear the giggles from the girls waiting for me to finish hanging there like a dead weight.

I felt someone come up behind me. As an unpopular kid, having someone quietly walk up behind you is not good news. Failing gym class, humiliating myself, and now the idea that someone was going to add insult to injury. I started to cry for real.

Then, something completely unexpected happened.

Two very strong hands grabbed me by the waist and lifted me up until my chin was above the bar. All I did was hold on to the bar. The hands allowed me to easily do what I could never do by myself. These hands lifted me up four more times – you were required to do at least five pull-ups – then they placed me on the ground.

I think I was in shock, because it took me a couple of seconds to turn around and see who was attached to those hands.

Then I was even more shocked. It was the “cool coach.” You know… the kind who is in really good shape, good looking, huge muscles… very different from the other coaches who probably couldn’t even do a pull-up themselves.

He looked kind of like this... but with a shirt on...

I can never remember this guy saying anything to me… or anyone for that matter. He never said anything to me that day. I don’t even remember his name.

I’m sure he forgot about that moment immediately after it happened. But after almost 30 years, I can still remember it like it was yesterday. Thanks to those strong hands – and the apparently very kind-hearted person attached to them – I not only passed gym class, but I felt like I was worth something. The cool coach took the time to help ME.

The moral of this story:

Know that the small things you do could impact other people in ways you might never, ever imagine. Even if you think you are having no impact on your clients, customers, friends, coworkers, kids, spouse, or even a stranger… don’t be so sure. You never know what small act of kindness could affect them for the rest of their lives.

This is how stupid, self-imposed rules make me feel

Yesterday I decided to get away from my desk and go out for a quick lunch. This doesn’t sound like a big deal, but it is.

You see, I have always had a “rule” that I don’t eat out at restaurants by myself. I don’t even remember why I came up with this rule, but I’ve had it since I was old enough to even consider going out for a meal by myself.

For some reason, over the last few months, this rule just started to seem stupid. So, I’ve started breaking it.

And I am so much happier.

It has made me realize there are probably other dumb, self-imposed rules I need to start breaking. Being the organized thinker that I am, I came up with some ways to tell when a rule needs to be broken.

Here are my top 5 ways to tell that a self-imposed rule is stupid:

See how happy she looks?

1. You don’t know why you have the rule in the first place.

2. Nobody is harmed if you break the rule.

3. Nobody benefits from you following the rule.

4. Following the rule doesn’t make you feel good.

5. Not following the rule makes you feel good, or even better, liberated.

If all five of these criteria are met, I know the self-imposed rule is stupid and I am free to break it.

If 3 or more criteria are met, I know I should really consider the value of the rule.

Do you have any stupid, self-imposed rules that need to be broken?

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

Is he acting, or is he really a superhero?

This summarizes one of my core beliefs: We all know, deep down, who we are meant to be, but sometimes we just get caught up in being who we think we should be.

Here are some of my favorite questions that get to the heart of creating a career, business, or life that is authentically you:

• Where in your life are you acting versus being?

• What about yourself are you hiding to avoid seeming immature, inappropriate, different, or downright freaky?

• What would your 3 year old self say about the person you are right now?

• What is it about your real self that you are afraid of?

Just when I think I know my own answers to these questions, I realize there is more to uncover.

How about you?

We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.
- Carl Jung

Round and round we go...

Michele Woodward, a fellow Martha Beck coach, wrote a brave and wonderful blog post about owning up to and learning from our failures and mistakes. Her assertion is that if we admit our mistakes, we can analyze them, figure out what went wrong, and make adjustments next time.

I agree with everything in Michele’s post. I know I could learn something from the honest way she assessed her mistakes and moved on without blame.

And speaking of blame… In my opinion, one of the worst ways you can deal with a mistake is to think you are somehow not *worthy* of recovering from it.

This is NOT you!

For example, have you ever done something so colossally stupid that you decided to punish yourself by continuing to do the colossally stupid thing that got you into the mess in the first place?

Or you just gave up because you figured anyone dumb enough to get into such a despicable situation doesn’t deserve to get out of it?

You know, logically, that this doesn’t make any sense. But we can all tell stories about people who have lost relationships, jobs, and businesses because a mistake convinced them that they didn’t deserve happiness or success.

This is sort of like accidentally cutting your finger, then deciding to fix it by chopping off the entire finger… then your arm… then your other arm…

Stop the punishment!

We all make mistakes – some large, some small. But once the mistake is made, you have a decision:

Live in the past and repeat the mistake

OR

recognize that YOU are not your mistakes and move on.

Doesn't she look unhappy... or at least deranged?

Still not convinced? Think of it this way. You make thousands of good decisions every day. You brush your teeth. You put clothes on before leaving home. You suppress your desire to yell at the person driving the car in front of you. You tell your significant other he or she looks nice. You might even eat a healthier lunch than yesterday, or let someone cut in front of you on the interstate, or cover for your colleague who is having a bad day.

So, why do you beat yourself up for the one or two dumb things you did? Even if you did 100 dumb things every day, you would still come out ahead from a statistical point of view.

What do you think defines you, the 9,999 good decisions you made today, or the 1 bad decision?

Bottom line: Every moment, you can reinvent yourself. The past is over and done. Your mistakes are a sunk cost (remember that college economics class?). Move on.

Treat every moment as if the previous moment (or mistake) didn’t happen.

You are not defined by your mistakes. But you ARE defined by how you deal with them.

You and your business deserve to succeed. Don’t let any mistakes tell you otherwise.

Guilty as charged.

Of course, Geneen isn’t the first or last person to speak this truth. And her directive makes perfect sense to my logical, analytical mind. “Eat when you are hungry, and only when you are hungry.” Sounds so simple. Stomach growls = time to eat.

So why don’t we do it?

I mean, there are very obvious, physical symptoms of hunger. You would think it would be easy for us to tell. Right? Well, obviously not.

You are probably confused right now, because the title of this post is about money, not food or weight loss.

Here’s the tie-in:

It seems to me that money is (almost) just like food.

• We think it will make us happy, but it won’t.
• We don’t want to spend so much, but we keep doing it.
• We buy things we don’t need.
• Or, on the flip side, we don’t spend money on things that are really good for us.
• We worry about our financial fitness, but we never seem to do anything about it.
• Or, we don’t do anything good for us because we are spending so much time worrying about money.
• We buy things to fill emotional holes, and then we crash when the emotions don’t go away… which just leads to more spending.
• Or, we starve ourselves of things and activities that bring us joy so we can feel virtuous.
• We feel like money (and how much we have or don’t have) is a measure of our worth as a person.
• And like food, money is a “drug” that we must keep using in order to survive.

I’m writing about this because every single client and potential client I have worked with has talked about money. Money keeps them from making the leap to what they want, keeps them from getting the help that will get them unstuck, keeps them frozen. People’s beliefs about money can have dire consequences. This is so common that I have changed my coaching process to address beliefs about money upfront because I am 100% sure it is going to be a roadblock.

Now don’t get me wrong… if you need money to keep a roof over your head, this is very real. Obviously we need money to keep us out of cardboard boxes on the streets. And we all have a certain lifestyle that we are comfortable with.

This post is about situations where we think we need more money to make us happy when we actually don’t, or when our worries over money (rather than money itself) hold us back.

As an example, here is a very typical conversation I have with clients (details are changed, masked, and mixed up to protect the innocent):

Me: So, it sounds like you know what you want to do. Sounds really exciting, and I’m so glad it combines so many of your interests. I can tell you are really fired up about it. What’s keeping you from taking the next step?

Client: Well, I just don’t know how I’m going to earn enough money doing that.

Me: Ok. How much is enough?

Client: I can earn $7,500 per month doing my current work, so that is my goal.

Me: That would be nice. That’s a great goal. How much do you need right now?

Client: Umm. Need?

Me: Yes, need. How much money do you need to earn in order to pay your bills, maintain the important parts of your lifestyle… things like that…?

Client: Umm… well…

Me: Yes…?

Client: Well… I can pay my bills with a lot less. That’s not the issue. It is just that I can’t have a job where I don’t earn good money. I’ve always earned a lot of money.

Me: Ok. What would happen if you didn’t earn good money?

Client: I wouldn’t feel valuable. Like I wasn’t holding up my end of the bargain.

Me: What bargain is that?

Client: Um. Contributing to the family finances. I want to be an equal.

Me: So, money is the measurement system?

Client: Well, no. My partner doesn’t really care how much I earn. It isn’t like that. We just want to be happy.

Me: Ok… so happiness is the measurement system?

Client: It should be… I suppose it is.

Me: How would you measure happiness?

Client: By feeling like I can breathe. Like there is no tension in my shoulders.

Me: Cool. So when you think about your new career, you feel like that?

Client: Yes.

Me: And the measurement is happiness?

Client: Yes.

Me: And so are you ready to take the next step?

Client: Well, yes… Um. Actually, I’m still concerned. I’ve spent money before on new ideas, and they didn’t pan out. What if the same thing happens again?

Me: Yes, that could happen. What if it did?

Client: I would feel like a loser.

Me: Ok. So you are a loser if your new career venture doesn’t pan out?

Client: Um. Yes.

Me: So, your success is tied to how much you earn in your new career? What about the happiness part?

Client: I knew you were going to say that.

Me: Yep.

Client: So, I suppose you are trying to say I should go for the feeling where I can breathe, and I don’t have tension. That would be success?

Me: I’m not telling you that. But doesn’t that feel better?

Client: Yes.

Me: If you are earning $7,500 per month and you can’t breathe, what is that like?

Client: Hell.

Me: Ok. Hell doesn’t sound like a good option. So are you ready to take the next step?

Client: I think so. Although it does seem a bit frivolous with the economy the way it is. I want to, but maybe I should wait until things are more stable. Less risky.

Me: When you think about taking the next step, how does it feel?

Client: Like I said, open, no tension.

Me: Anything else?

Client: A bit nervous. Butterflies in my stomach.

Me: Is that a good feeling or a bad feeling?

Client: Good. Light.

Me: When else have you felt that way?

Client: When I started a non-profit many years ago.

Me: Tell me about that.

Client: Well, I started a non-profit, and it was a lot of work. A whole lot of work. I learned a lot. Met a lot of like-minded people. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

Me: What happened?

Client: It lasted for a while, and then I had to close it up. Just wasn’t the right time. Couldn’t make it work financially.

Me: Say more.

Client: Um… I’m glad I did it. It was a great experience. I just wish it would have succeeded.

Me: By success, you mean that it generated money.

Client: Hmm. I guess we are back to that again, huh?

Me: Yep.

Client: (Sigh) Ok. I know, I know. I had the time of my life. I closed it up when it was obviously not working, and I wasn’t irresponsible financially. So, I guess the point is that I would be smart enough to do that next time, if I needed to? And that it made me happy?

Me: Is that true?

Client: Yes.

Me: So, are you ready to take the next step?

Client: (Laughs) Yes. I am.

There are many interesting things about this conversation. But one of the most important in relation to this topic is that, while there are a lot of similarities between food and money, there is a major difference:

With food, we can physically feel the hunger. While we may often ignore it, we all know what a hunger pang feels like, and a growling stomach feels somewhat similar for everyone.

But with money, we don’t have an obvious (and audible) way to know when to spend, and when to save. When to take the leap, and when to hold back. When to keep going and when to stop.

The answer is different for each of us.

But the answer is still in your body. Notice how you feel when you just know that you are making the right decision. How you feel when you are doing what you love. How you feel when you are ready to take a risk and you are prepared to handle the upside and the potential downside.

And notice how you feel when you overspend, let a good opportunity pass, or make a decision based on someone else’s idea of success.

Once you notice, you’ll be able to use these feelings to make better decisions about money. Just like a growling stomach can tell you it is time for food.

What does this feel like for you?

I’m also curious: Have you read any good books that have helped you change your relationship with money?

When I talk about career reinvention, I’m not talking about the person who just wants to spiff up his resume, clean up rusty interview skills, and learn how to negotiate a good salary. Those are important things to do, but I’m talking to the person who has decided she is ready to figure out what she is really meant to do – how she can do the most good for herself and the world. This process involves a lot of  soul searching, trial and error, and good old fashioned work.

Mistakes are part of this process. I encourage people to take some risks while reinventing themselves. Of course, sometimes this results in mistakes that allow them to learn more about themselves. I love these kind of mistakes.

On the other hand, there are some mistakes that are best avoided. They don’t really add value, and they can really slow you down. Take some advice from those who have gone before you – here are my top 5 avoidable mistakes of the career reinventor:

1. Not being honest: If you really want to reinvent yourself – not just tweak your job, but truly redesign – you must, must, must be truly honest with yourself. This is not the time to think about what your family, friends, church group, or current coworkers will think. You can worry about how to deal with them later. It is not the time to think about what is politically correct or what will make you seem like a “good” person. That will work itself out. It is not the time to latch onto something (or ignore something) because of how much money you can earn. Trust me – once you find the purpose that lights you up, you will come up with creative ways to make it work. Just be honest. Please. If you aren’t, it won’t work. Period.

2. Focusing only on the external:  A lot of people come to me talking about the external trappings of their dream career – things like lots of money, a certain kind of office, the perfect job title. Others ask about how they should position themselves on their resumes, websites, LinkedIn profiles, Facebook profiles, etc. This is all nice and necessary – but it is the last thing you should worry about. How do you want to FEEL? What things make you FEEL that way? What kind of impact do you want to have, and how will this affect the people meant to benefit from what you do? When are you honestly at your best? What kinds of people do you enjoy spending time with? These are examples of questions to ask of your internal compass. The other, external stuff will be a natural outgrowth of your internal compass reading. For more about the difference between internal and external personal “branding”, see Malcolm Levene’s great post on the topic.

3. Investing too much, too soon: For many of us, the career reinvention process includes exploring a lot of different options. If you are considering creating your own business, you will probably explore a lot of different business structures, identities, and services. This is all good. It only becomes a problem if you invest too much time, energy, and resources in one particular path before you have tested it out. A great example of this is when new entrepreneurs spend thousands of dollars for a new, professionally designed website. I’m all for using design professionals, and they can be a crucial part of creating an external identity. But wait and engage them after you have at least some level of confidence that this path is for you. Same goes for hiring people to rewrite and design your resume. This will save you a ton of money and headaches.

4. Not investing enough: This is the opposite of #3 above. You need to know when it is time to get help from a coach, consultant, therapist, teacher, mentor, designer, etc. You will probably need to pay for this help. Researching things on websites and reading books are fine and a great place to start. But these tools don’t hold you accountable, they don’t make sure you are honest, and they don’t help you get over your personal fears and obstacles. Don’t waste your money or sign up for every class and service you see, but also don’t get stingy about investing in your future and leveraging people who can help you.

5. Focusing on what you don’t know: Excuse the cliche, but I genuinely believe that if I had a dollar for everyone who told me they weren’t qualified to do what they love, I would never need to work again. Save yourself from your own pity party. These self defeating thoughts are often untrue. And if they are true, you will find a way to get qualified if you really want to. Worry about this after you figure out what you want to do, not while you are trying to figure it out.

So, there you have it. My version of the top 5 avoidable mistakes of the career reinventor. What are some other top mistakes? How can we avoid them?

So, below is a list of 50 questions you can use to unearth your passion. Some of them can help you discover what you love and others just help you clarify what is not your best path. You probably won’t want to go through all of them at once… just scan the list and pick a few that seem interesting.

As you consider them, don’t think about what seems practical – just answer with the first thing that pops into your mind. Write down your answers quickly so you aren’t tempted to censor or reconsider. And if you really want to dive deep, follow them with my favorite simple question: WHY?

Here’s the list… in no particular order:

1. What activities cause you to lose track of time?
2. What are you good at?
3. What books do you read?
4. What movies do you enjoy?
5. What songs do you enjoy?
6. What television shows do you enjoy?
7. What would you do, right now, if you could do anything?
8. Why do people ask for your advice? About what?
9. What do you dream of doing when you are bored or overburdened?
10. What did you love to do as a kid?
11. What were you good at as a kid? (If you don’t remember, ask your parents)
12. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
13. What do you secretly wish your kids would do when they grow up?
14. What did your teachers say about you?
15. What do you look forward to doing?
16. What are you disappointed to miss?
17. What were you doing the last time you laughed hard?
18. What were you doing the last time you cried?
19. What was the last comment that hurt your feelings?
20. What was the last compliment you received?
21. What are you grateful for?
22. What types of awards did you win as a kid?
23. What subjects did you enjoy in high school or college?
24. What insult hurts you the most?
25. What compliment do you most love to hear?
26. What was going on in your life when you felt the healthiest?
27. What was going on in your life when you felt sick?
28. When do you have the least energy?
29. When do you have the most energy?
30. What types of information do you forget most often?
31. What types of information do you remember most easily?
32. What activities cause you to make a lot of mistakes?
33. What types of people or activities make you feel smart?
34. What types of people or activities make you feel stupid?
35. When do you feel the most playful?
36. What activities make you feel fuzzy?
37. What types of people or activities make you angry?
38. What do people always say about you?
39. What do you get defensive about?
40. What were you doing the last time you needed a nap?
41. What was going on the last time you could not sleep?
42. What do you like to do on vacation?
43. What was going on in your life the last time you gained or lost a lot of weight?
44. What makes you want to drink alcohol or consume caffeine?
45. When do you feel most like yourself?
46. When do you feel least like yourself?
47. If you had 1 billion dollars, what would you do right now?
48. What would you do if you didn’t care what anyone else thought?
49. What would you do if you were sure you would succeed?
50. What would you do if you didn’t have to worry about the future?

Which were your favorites? What questions did I leave off the list? Let me know…