I agree wholeheartedly with this practice.

In fact, I’ve been doing it for a while professionally. From a business perspective, it just makes sense, it makes me happier, and it allows me to really serve the people I am meant to serve.

I was talking to a brand new friend about this topic yesterday, and the thought occurred to me: Why not apply this same concept to my personal life?

I know for a fact that my personal and professional life are very connected. It stands to reason that if I’m not applying the red velvet rope policy to my personal life, my professional life won’t be as successful as it could be.

So, what is the criteria for my personal red velvet rope policy?

In the past I’ve considered this idea in a more general sense. But when I applied the same level of thought and detail that I’ve applied to my professional life, I found that the answers are actually the same. Not surprisingly, my personal and professional criteria are identical.

So, here is my criteria:

• Smart (book smart, street smart, creative smart… any kind of smart)
• Quick thinking
• Willing to laugh at themselves
• Always trying to improve
• Good listening skills
• Reliable (do what they say they will do)
• Admits mistakes and tries to fix and learn from them
• Takes responsibility for their own situation
• Willing to tell the truth, even when it isn’t popular or easy
• Respectful of me and others
• Realistic (not overly optimistic nor overly pessimistic)
• Introspective
• Open to new ideas and ways of doing things
• Willing to make a commitment to the relationship

Yes, this is quite a long list. You might think that not many people would meet all these criteria. And that is probably true.

You may also be thinking, “Who the heck does she think she is? How conceited must she be to think she can create criteria like this?”

Or maybe you are thinking that I’m not open to lots of different kinds of people.

But here is how I look at it…

My red velvet rope policy doesn’t apply to acquaintances, or Facebook friends, or Twitter followers, or people I’m casual friends with.

It is NOT about eliminating people from my life.

It is NOT about judging people.

It IS about me spending most of my time with people who inspire me to be the best I can be.

In my professional life, I do workshops and teach classes, and some of the people in attendance aren’t a perfect fit for me. That’s okay. I still like them, enjoy our time together, and want to make sure they get value from the experience.

I just don’t think they or I will be best served by a more formal relationship.

This is also true for close friendships.

While I will always have people in my life (and business) who don’t meet all these criteria, the people I’m closest to should come pretty darn close most of the time.

If not… well, maybe it is time to reconsider the type of relationship that makes sense.

I must say, it is very liberating to consider this in my personal life, and I can already feel that this will have a positive impact on my business. I’m just a happier and more productive person in general when I surround myself with people who truly belong on the inside of my red velvet rope.

So, of course, it seemed to make sense to question my assumption that…

I am not capable of doing pull-ups.

Do I really know that I can’t do a pull-up?

Isn’t it true that other people can do pull-ups, and that they weren’t born being able to do them?

Can’t other women do pull-ups?

I had to admit that the answers were No, Yes, and Yes.

My excuse has been this: If I can’t even *begin* to pull myself up, how am I ever supposed to improve?

I started researching ways to strengthen the muscles that are used for pull-ups, but quite frankly, it got a bit complicated and depressing. I’m not a gym rat, nor am I interested in physiology.

Then, lo and behold, the answer presented itself!!

The amazing pull-up machine for wimps!!

As you can see, it looks like some sort of evil torture device, or worse, a way to inflict capital punishment in an especially barbaric way.

But once I got over the look of it, this machine became the way to improve my strength so I can eventually do a pull-up unassisted. It will counter-balance part of my weight so I can slowly work up to a “real” pull-up.

Yay!

I’ve only used it twice so far. My performance was pathetic. But I’m confident that if I keep at it, I’ll eventually meet my goal.

Of course, I never would have tried if I hadn’t questioned that darn assumption…

You don't know what lies beneath that shiny business suit until you take it off

A little over a year ago, I made one of the bravest decisions of my life.

I decided that I was going to focus full time on running my own business.

Sure, I’d been dancing around it for almost a decade, coaching as a “side hustle” as Pamela Slim would say. But deciding to do it “for real” – as in getting up in the morning and focusing on it all day – was a very scary thing.

The funny thing is, although the changes I have made in my professional life have often been a challenge, they are nothing compared to the effect these changes are having on my personal life.

Let me back up…

I believe that most of us have two personas: personal and professional. For some of us they are very different, for others they are almost identical. During the first 20 years of my career, both of my personas were completely intertwined.

I was one of those annoying people who couldn’t talk about themselves without discussing what they did for a living. I *was* my job title.

That changed a year ago, and at this point I’m finally 90% comfortable with this change in my professional persona. I coach people through this process, and I’ve seen it work magic. In fact, I was feeling a bit smug about how well it worked.

I thought I was almost done with my own transformation.

Wrong.

My professional and personal personas. I wonder which one is which?

Although I preach about it all the time, I *still* forgot about the other half.

My personal persona.

I massively underestimated how much changing my professional persona would lead me to change my personal one. All of a sudden, I’m challenging assumptions that I could never have imagined questioning.

Even answers to fundamental BIG questions are no longer clear, like…

• What do I like to do?
• What do I NOT like to do?
• What kind of people do I enjoy being around?
• What risks am I willing to take?
• Who am I willing to upset in the process?

As it turns out, this whole personal persona shift is much more frightening than I imagined.

So… I’m going to do what any good blogger does. I’m going to share my progress in this blog.

My goal is to share where I’m at, how it is going, and what assumptions I’m challenging at the moment. Sometimes the challenges will be large, other times they will seem trivial.

Once one assumption falls, they all fall

But it really doesn’t matter how large or small they are. I’ve learned that even small changes are like dominoes… each of them are tiny, but they have the potential to affect hundreds of others.

I appreciate your encouragement and hope you will get to learn from some of my mistakes.

Here’s to a year of challenging assumptions and becoming someone new!!

7th Grade. I'm the one in the purple shirt, 2nd row, 2nd from the left. Ouch. I guess taking my glasses off didn't really help...

I was one of those annoying kids who always got straight A’s. Add to this the facts that I was shy, had extremely short hair, wore glasses, and had braces, and it is apparent why I wasn’t the most popular girl in middle school.

Oh yeah… one more thing… I was very…um…well… let’s just say I wasn’t very athletic. Not surprisingly, my least favorite class was gym. And the worst part of the year was when we had to take the horrifying President’s physical fitness test (or whatever it was called). I’m not even sure it still exists, but this was a standardized fitness test that all kids had to take back in the 70′s and 80′s.

I hated the entire test, but there was one part that was particularly horrible.

Why the hell does she look so happy?

The pull ups.

OMG.

I could never understand how ANYONE could even possibly imagine pulling themselves up. I would just hang there. Absolutely no movement. None.

It was mortifying.

Plus, my grade was on the line. Since I couldn’t even *begin* to pull myself up, I was in danger of failing the test, and hence gym, because I “wasn’t trying hard enough.” I resigned myself to a big fat “F” in gym.

As I hung from that bar like an idiot, I could feel the tears starting to form. “Great,” I thought, “not only am I a complete wimp, but now I’m going to cry.” I could hear the giggles from the girls waiting for me to finish hanging there like a dead weight.

I felt someone come up behind me. As an unpopular kid, having someone quietly walk up behind you is not good news. Failing gym class, humiliating myself, and now the idea that someone was going to add insult to injury. I started to cry for real.

Then, something completely unexpected happened.

Two very strong hands grabbed me by the waist and lifted me up until my chin was above the bar. All I did was hold on to the bar. The hands allowed me to easily do what I could never do by myself. These hands lifted me up four more times – you were required to do at least five pull-ups – then they placed me on the ground.

I think I was in shock, because it took me a couple of seconds to turn around and see who was attached to those hands.

Then I was even more shocked. It was the “cool coach.” You know… the kind who is in really good shape, good looking, huge muscles… very different from the other coaches who probably couldn’t even do a pull-up themselves.

He looked kind of like this... but with a shirt on...

I can never remember this guy saying anything to me… or anyone for that matter. He never said anything to me that day. I don’t even remember his name.

I’m sure he forgot about that moment immediately after it happened. But after almost 30 years, I can still remember it like it was yesterday. Thanks to those strong hands – and the apparently very kind-hearted person attached to them – I not only passed gym class, but I felt like I was worth something. The cool coach took the time to help ME.

The moral of this story:

Know that the small things you do could impact other people in ways you might never, ever imagine. Even if you think you are having no impact on your clients, customers, friends, coworkers, kids, spouse, or even a stranger… don’t be so sure. You never know what small act of kindness could affect them for the rest of their lives.

This is how stupid, self-imposed rules make me feel

Yesterday I decided to get away from my desk and go out for a quick lunch. This doesn’t sound like a big deal, but it is.

You see, I have always had a “rule” that I don’t eat out at restaurants by myself. I don’t even remember why I came up with this rule, but I’ve had it since I was old enough to even consider going out for a meal by myself.

For some reason, over the last few months, this rule just started to seem stupid. So, I’ve started breaking it.

And I am so much happier.

It has made me realize there are probably other dumb, self-imposed rules I need to start breaking. Being the organized thinker that I am, I came up with some ways to tell when a rule needs to be broken.

Here are my top 5 ways to tell that a self-imposed rule is stupid:

See how happy she looks?

1. You don’t know why you have the rule in the first place.

2. Nobody is harmed if you break the rule.

3. Nobody benefits from you following the rule.

4. Following the rule doesn’t make you feel good.

5. Not following the rule makes you feel good, or even better, liberated.

If all five of these criteria are met, I know the self-imposed rule is stupid and I am free to break it.

If 3 or more criteria are met, I know I should really consider the value of the rule.

Do you have any stupid, self-imposed rules that need to be broken?

A couple weeks ago, I was getting very frustrated about how I was handling a certain type of coaching issue that seemed to be coming up a lot with clients. Now, all you smart people out there are thinking, “well, if it is coming up with clients, it is probably an issue for you too.” And you would be right.

So, I set out to deal with it by using tried and true Law of Attraction techniques:

• I envisioned myself dealing with this issue exactly the way I wanted to.
• I really got into this vision so I could *feel* what it was like.
• I even wrote fake journal entries that described what things were like after my issue was resolved.

Then, I made the rookie mistake.

I forgot that I needed to *keep* feeling good, all the time, even when I wasn’t actively envisioning success.

In fact, I completely forgot that the most important part is staying in a place of feeling good and letting “the universe” deliver the results – without me forcing it.

Doh!

I had moments, even hours, when I felt good. And I managed to manifest some other great stuff. But every time I thought about this particular issue, I was feeling pretty crappy.

Doh!

This is just proof that knowing what you should do and actually doing it can be two completely separate things.

Anyway, it took a post from the hilarious Lin M. Eleoff to knock me upside the head and make me realize the error of my ways.

And I immediately corrected my course.

For example, instead of doing the profoundly uninteresting things I was supposed to do yesterday, I decided to get in the car and drive. I had no idea where I was going, but I just knew I would feel GOOD if I listened to really loud music while hurtling down the interstate in My Happy Car.

My Happy Car

So I drove. And drove.

I eventually realized I was 30 miles from home. And I happened to be at the interstate exit that leads to my favorite place, Half Moon Bay. So I got off and drove another 8 miles over the mountains and through the fog. I went to the beach. And I stayed there for 3 hours. Heaven.

All the time I was doing this, I wasn’t thinking about my issue. I wasn’t envisioning what it would be like after I handled it. I certainly wasn’t writing any fake journal entries.

My favorite place in the world, even with the fog

I was doing exactly what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it. I was playing hooky.

And it felt GOOD.

I was not surprised to find that when I came home, I had all kinds of great ideas about how to solve my problem. It was actually very easy. And of course, it involved dealing with myself first. And then the universe immediately delivered the perfect opportunity to try it out on someone else.

And it worked!

Good feelings create good ideas

I shouldn’t be surprised at all. But it still never fails to amaze me how perfectly the Law of Attraction works when I do it right.

Are there any areas of your life where you are making this rookie mistake?

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

Is he acting, or is he really a superhero?

This summarizes one of my core beliefs: We all know, deep down, who we are meant to be, but sometimes we just get caught up in being who we think we should be.

Here are some of my favorite questions that get to the heart of creating a career, business, or life that is authentically you:

• Where in your life are you acting versus being?

• What about yourself are you hiding to avoid seeming immature, inappropriate, different, or downright freaky?

• What would your 3 year old self say about the person you are right now?

• What is it about your real self that you are afraid of?

Just when I think I know my own answers to these questions, I realize there is more to uncover.

How about you?

My Success Statement is: Influencer + Service

My Success Statement

The influencer part made sense. I love influencing other people to achieve a goal, and I think I am pretty good at it. So this seemed to fit right away.

But Service?

The term made me bristle a bit. While I fully support the idea of serving one’s customers, the idea of my personal Success Statement being about service made me feel a bit out of control – like I was under someone else’s thumb.

The problem was that when I thought about the word service, I actually interpreted it as servitude instead. I thought of service as being at someone else’s mercy.

Of course, this is a misconception.

How I used to feel about the word service

Service is about helping those who want help or graciously and selflessly helping those who do not.

Servitude is helping those who don’t want help or feeling put out by those you are trying to help.

As an Influencer, my gut reaction to any situation is to try to take action – to come up with a solution to any problem and influence others to take the steps to fix it.

This works great when someone asks for my help. Or when someone wants help and also takes responsibility for their own life or business.

If not, well… it doesn’t work so well. Then I am in servitude. I’m sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong and then expecting kudos. Or, I’m getting punched in the nose, repeatedly, for trying to help.

And then I feel used…. and then I don’t act like a very good Influencer.

This is not a good place to be.

It seems like this is particularly difficult for those of us who coach or consult for a living. We want to help – to be of service – but we have a tendency to end up in servitude because we try to help everyone we meet or we get overwhelmed by all the people who want our help.

Then we become bitter and resentful. Then we don’t like serving anymore.

We may find ourselves saying things like:

I’ve done so much for her. Why can’t she say thank you? Why doesn’t she show me her appreciation?

I’ve done so much for him. How dare he keep pestering me to do more?

Here is the hard truth:

Um... she doesn't look like a good influencer, does she?

If you decide to help someone who doesn’t ask for your help, you must be okay when they don’t appreciate it. They didn’t ask for your help, so why should they feel obligated to show their appreciation or reciprocate in any way?

And if someone keeps asking for more and more, it is up to you to set your boundaries. It isn’t their fault if you let them take advantage of you.

If you never run into these issues, good for you.

If you do, here are a few things I do to move from servitude to service that may work for you, too:

1. Always get permission

Don’t help people who don’t ask for your help. Or, at least ask people if they want your help before you dive in. This sounds very simple, but those of us who lean toward servitude tend to skip this simple step.

2. Know where your boundaries are

While it might seem contradictory, getting out of your mind and into your body can be one of the best ways to learn your boundaries so you don’t move into servitude territory. When you give your mind time to rest by paying attention to your body, you have time to process experiences and feelings. This will help prevent you from trying to serve those who don’t want or need to be served.

The key is to find a way to focus on your body and your breath. Try any type of moving meditation, such as running, walking, cycling, or swimming. You are looking for an activity that includes simple, repetitive physical movements without the need to concentrate intently on each move.

While you are engaged in your moving meditation, notice how your body feels, not what you are thinking. Breathe and feel where your body ends. This will help you process the day through your body and set appropriate boundaries in all areas of your life.

3. Be able to say “no”

Do you often feel like you “must” help someone, even though you don’t want to? Do you constantly find yourself using the words “have to”?

While some tasks and obligations are truly mandatory, most aren’t. You are simply choosing to help someone in order to obtain the benefits of that help.

The next time you find yourself saying “I have to”, ask one simple question: Why?

If this doesn’t generate a valid reason, ask it again. Keep asking this simple question until you get to the root of your reasons for doing something you don’t want to do. Even if you decide to do it anyway, you will be doing so with a clear reason for your decision.

It's all about me...

4. Learn how to be selfish

It is important for you to take actions on your behalf on a daily basis – these are actions that you want to take for you, not for someone else. A great way to make sure you are taking these actions is to keep a daily “action list” of actions that you have taken on your behalf. This list should not include activities undertaken for others or because you feel like you “must” do them. These should be actions you have taken to better yourself, to make yourself happy, or to spoil yourself. This may seem selfish, but learning to do things for yourself is a key to being able to help others. Keep your daily action list for at least a week and see if you can make it longer each day.

If you are called to serve, congratulations! It can be one of the most rewarding ways to live and work. My hope for you is that you recognize the difference between service and servitude so the world can continue to reap the benefits of your gifts.

Let's see... what is my business focused on today?

Ok, today I’m writing about something that is near and dear to my heart:

Consistency!

I feel close to this topic because I am so incredibly horrible at taking my own advice when it comes to being consistent.

Every day, I have new ideas for businesses, products, services, and marketing tools. And although I’ve been coaching for 10 years, I am embarrassed to even share how many different coaching niches, business structures, and target markets I have focused on over the years.

Don’t get me wrong… I love the fact that I can create a new business, including the website, products, and promotional materials, in a day or two. And there is nothing wrong with variety – it certainly keeps things interesting.

However, it is very difficult to build a successful business if you are changing it every week. It is the equivalent of trying to change out the foundation of a house without collapsing the souffle that is in the oven.

What happens when you aren't consistent

So… I came to the conclusion that I needed to find a way to honor my core personality while also making some real money.

Here are five things I did that helped me get and stay on track while still having fun:

1. Keep your ideas safe, sound,… and hidden.

My friend Michael Woomer gave me this idea, and it has worked great for me! When I have an idea for a new business, niche, or market, I email it to myself and move it to a folder called “My Crazy Ideas”. I only read these emails once per quarter at the most. This way I know I won’t lose any of my “great” ideas, but I also won’t be tempted to follow up on every one of them. You could also write ideas down on a small pieces of paper and put them in a closed box.

2. Find the theme amongst all your interests.

For me, this turned out to be helping people make a difference in the world by being themselves. I try to do this everywhere I go, even when I’m not working with clients – much to the chagrin of my close friends and family. No matter what strange business ideas I might have, I know that this theme always must be at the center of it. This simplifies things and keeps me from going off into strange and unsafe places. I bet you also have a theme behind your interests.

How my cat looks when I try to coach him

3. Decide if the problem is boredom or avoidance.

Boredom means you are disinterested; avoidance means you are scared.

I’ll use myself as an example. I would even help my cats find and live their passion if their were no humans around (and if I could figure out how to talk to a cat). Therefore, I know that this part of my business certainly isn’t boring for me. If I’m not making progress on my business, the culprit is easy to find: avoidance. As in: If I avoid launching that new product, I won’t have to commit to supporting it, and then I won’t be successful, and then I won’t have to be the person I know I can be. Ouch.

Which is it for you: boredom or avoidance?

If it is boredom, figure out what is boring you. Is it the topic? The delivery model? Your business partners? Whatever it is, change it.

If the problem is avoidance, figure out what you are afraid of so you can start to get over it.

4. Get a little help from your friends.

It can feel comfortable to hang with people who can empathize with your plight – this is the basis for the phrase “misery loves company.” Empathy is a great thing. However, make sure you also find friends who, while able to understand your situation, have managed to build consistency into their businesses – or who are at least heading confidently in this direction. Hang out with these people on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, or even better, in person. Their energy will rub off on you.

Get off the diving board already!

5. Launch the darn thing!

This is the scary part. Go ahead, let everyone know what you are doing and who you serve. Metaphorically get off the diving board and into the pool. Plaster it all over your website. Shout about it in your newsletter. Schedule a speaking engagement. Once the cat is out of the bag, it is harder to slip back into old habits and you will have a reason to stick with something long enough to make it a success.

Do you have other ideas? How have you built consistency into your business?

We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.
- Carl Jung

Round and round we go...

Michele Woodward, a fellow Martha Beck coach, wrote a brave and wonderful blog post about owning up to and learning from our failures and mistakes. Her assertion is that if we admit our mistakes, we can analyze them, figure out what went wrong, and make adjustments next time.

I agree with everything in Michele’s post. I know I could learn something from the honest way she assessed her mistakes and moved on without blame.

And speaking of blame… In my opinion, one of the worst ways you can deal with a mistake is to think you are somehow not *worthy* of recovering from it.

This is NOT you!

For example, have you ever done something so colossally stupid that you decided to punish yourself by continuing to do the colossally stupid thing that got you into the mess in the first place?

Or you just gave up because you figured anyone dumb enough to get into such a despicable situation doesn’t deserve to get out of it?

You know, logically, that this doesn’t make any sense. But we can all tell stories about people who have lost relationships, jobs, and businesses because a mistake convinced them that they didn’t deserve happiness or success.

This is sort of like accidentally cutting your finger, then deciding to fix it by chopping off the entire finger… then your arm… then your other arm…

Stop the punishment!

We all make mistakes – some large, some small. But once the mistake is made, you have a decision:

Live in the past and repeat the mistake

OR

recognize that YOU are not your mistakes and move on.

Doesn't she look unhappy... or at least deranged?

Still not convinced? Think of it this way. You make thousands of good decisions every day. You brush your teeth. You put clothes on before leaving home. You suppress your desire to yell at the person driving the car in front of you. You tell your significant other he or she looks nice. You might even eat a healthier lunch than yesterday, or let someone cut in front of you on the interstate, or cover for your colleague who is having a bad day.

So, why do you beat yourself up for the one or two dumb things you did? Even if you did 100 dumb things every day, you would still come out ahead from a statistical point of view.

What do you think defines you, the 9,999 good decisions you made today, or the 1 bad decision?

Bottom line: Every moment, you can reinvent yourself. The past is over and done. Your mistakes are a sunk cost (remember that college economics class?). Move on.

Treat every moment as if the previous moment (or mistake) didn’t happen.

You are not defined by your mistakes. But you ARE defined by how you deal with them.

You and your business deserve to succeed. Don’t let any mistakes tell you otherwise.