I agree wholeheartedly with this practice.

In fact, I’ve been doing it for a while professionally. From a business perspective, it just makes sense, it makes me happier, and it allows me to really serve the people I am meant to serve.

I was talking to a brand new friend about this topic yesterday, and the thought occurred to me: Why not apply this same concept to my personal life?

I know for a fact that my personal and professional life are very connected. It stands to reason that if I’m not applying the red velvet rope policy to my personal life, my professional life won’t be as successful as it could be.

So, what is the criteria for my personal red velvet rope policy?

In the past I’ve considered this idea in a more general sense. But when I applied the same level of thought and detail that I’ve applied to my professional life, I found that the answers are actually the same. Not surprisingly, my personal and professional criteria are identical.

So, here is my criteria:

• Smart (book smart, street smart, creative smart… any kind of smart)
• Quick thinking
• Willing to laugh at themselves
• Always trying to improve
• Good listening skills
• Reliable (do what they say they will do)
• Admits mistakes and tries to fix and learn from them
• Takes responsibility for their own situation
• Willing to tell the truth, even when it isn’t popular or easy
• Respectful of me and others
• Realistic (not overly optimistic nor overly pessimistic)
• Introspective
• Open to new ideas and ways of doing things
• Willing to make a commitment to the relationship

Yes, this is quite a long list. You might think that not many people would meet all these criteria. And that is probably true.

You may also be thinking, “Who the heck does she think she is? How conceited must she be to think she can create criteria like this?”

Or maybe you are thinking that I’m not open to lots of different kinds of people.

But here is how I look at it…

My red velvet rope policy doesn’t apply to acquaintances, or Facebook friends, or Twitter followers, or people I’m casual friends with.

It is NOT about eliminating people from my life.

It is NOT about judging people.

It IS about me spending most of my time with people who inspire me to be the best I can be.

In my professional life, I do workshops and teach classes, and some of the people in attendance aren’t a perfect fit for me. That’s okay. I still like them, enjoy our time together, and want to make sure they get value from the experience.

I just don’t think they or I will be best served by a more formal relationship.

This is also true for close friendships.

While I will always have people in my life (and business) who don’t meet all these criteria, the people I’m closest to should come pretty darn close most of the time.

If not… well, maybe it is time to reconsider the type of relationship that makes sense.

I must say, it is very liberating to consider this in my personal life, and I can already feel that this will have a positive impact on my business. I’m just a happier and more productive person in general when I surround myself with people who truly belong on the inside of my red velvet rope.

You don't know what lies beneath that shiny business suit until you take it off

A little over a year ago, I made one of the bravest decisions of my life.

I decided that I was going to focus full time on running my own business.

Sure, I’d been dancing around it for almost a decade, coaching as a “side hustle” as Pamela Slim would say. But deciding to do it “for real” – as in getting up in the morning and focusing on it all day – was a very scary thing.

The funny thing is, although the changes I have made in my professional life have often been a challenge, they are nothing compared to the effect these changes are having on my personal life.

Let me back up…

I believe that most of us have two personas: personal and professional. For some of us they are very different, for others they are almost identical. During the first 20 years of my career, both of my personas were completely intertwined.

I was one of those annoying people who couldn’t talk about themselves without discussing what they did for a living. I *was* my job title.

That changed a year ago, and at this point I’m finally 90% comfortable with this change in my professional persona. I coach people through this process, and I’ve seen it work magic. In fact, I was feeling a bit smug about how well it worked.

I thought I was almost done with my own transformation.

Wrong.

My professional and personal personas. I wonder which one is which?

Although I preach about it all the time, I *still* forgot about the other half.

My personal persona.

I massively underestimated how much changing my professional persona would lead me to change my personal one. All of a sudden, I’m challenging assumptions that I could never have imagined questioning.

Even answers to fundamental BIG questions are no longer clear, like…

• What do I like to do?
• What do I NOT like to do?
• What kind of people do I enjoy being around?
• What risks am I willing to take?
• Who am I willing to upset in the process?

As it turns out, this whole personal persona shift is much more frightening than I imagined.

So… I’m going to do what any good blogger does. I’m going to share my progress in this blog.

My goal is to share where I’m at, how it is going, and what assumptions I’m challenging at the moment. Sometimes the challenges will be large, other times they will seem trivial.

Once one assumption falls, they all fall

But it really doesn’t matter how large or small they are. I’ve learned that even small changes are like dominoes… each of them are tiny, but they have the potential to affect hundreds of others.

I appreciate your encouragement and hope you will get to learn from some of my mistakes.

Here’s to a year of challenging assumptions and becoming someone new!!

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

Is he acting, or is he really a superhero?

This summarizes one of my core beliefs: We all know, deep down, who we are meant to be, but sometimes we just get caught up in being who we think we should be.

Here are some of my favorite questions that get to the heart of creating a career, business, or life that is authentically you:

• Where in your life are you acting versus being?

• What about yourself are you hiding to avoid seeming immature, inappropriate, different, or downright freaky?

• What would your 3 year old self say about the person you are right now?

• What is it about your real self that you are afraid of?

Just when I think I know my own answers to these questions, I realize there is more to uncover.

How about you?

My Success Statement is: Influencer + Service

My Success Statement

The influencer part made sense. I love influencing other people to achieve a goal, and I think I am pretty good at it. So this seemed to fit right away.

But Service?

The term made me bristle a bit. While I fully support the idea of serving one’s customers, the idea of my personal Success Statement being about service made me feel a bit out of control – like I was under someone else’s thumb.

The problem was that when I thought about the word service, I actually interpreted it as servitude instead. I thought of service as being at someone else’s mercy.

Of course, this is a misconception.

How I used to feel about the word service

Service is about helping those who want help or graciously and selflessly helping those who do not.

Servitude is helping those who don’t want help or feeling put out by those you are trying to help.

As an Influencer, my gut reaction to any situation is to try to take action – to come up with a solution to any problem and influence others to take the steps to fix it.

This works great when someone asks for my help. Or when someone wants help and also takes responsibility for their own life or business.

If not, well… it doesn’t work so well. Then I am in servitude. I’m sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong and then expecting kudos. Or, I’m getting punched in the nose, repeatedly, for trying to help.

And then I feel used…. and then I don’t act like a very good Influencer.

This is not a good place to be.

It seems like this is particularly difficult for those of us who coach or consult for a living. We want to help – to be of service – but we have a tendency to end up in servitude because we try to help everyone we meet or we get overwhelmed by all the people who want our help.

Then we become bitter and resentful. Then we don’t like serving anymore.

We may find ourselves saying things like:

I’ve done so much for her. Why can’t she say thank you? Why doesn’t she show me her appreciation?

I’ve done so much for him. How dare he keep pestering me to do more?

Here is the hard truth:

Um... she doesn't look like a good influencer, does she?

If you decide to help someone who doesn’t ask for your help, you must be okay when they don’t appreciate it. They didn’t ask for your help, so why should they feel obligated to show their appreciation or reciprocate in any way?

And if someone keeps asking for more and more, it is up to you to set your boundaries. It isn’t their fault if you let them take advantage of you.

If you never run into these issues, good for you.

If you do, here are a few things I do to move from servitude to service that may work for you, too:

1. Always get permission

Don’t help people who don’t ask for your help. Or, at least ask people if they want your help before you dive in. This sounds very simple, but those of us who lean toward servitude tend to skip this simple step.

2. Know where your boundaries are

While it might seem contradictory, getting out of your mind and into your body can be one of the best ways to learn your boundaries so you don’t move into servitude territory. When you give your mind time to rest by paying attention to your body, you have time to process experiences and feelings. This will help prevent you from trying to serve those who don’t want or need to be served.

The key is to find a way to focus on your body and your breath. Try any type of moving meditation, such as running, walking, cycling, or swimming. You are looking for an activity that includes simple, repetitive physical movements without the need to concentrate intently on each move.

While you are engaged in your moving meditation, notice how your body feels, not what you are thinking. Breathe and feel where your body ends. This will help you process the day through your body and set appropriate boundaries in all areas of your life.

3. Be able to say “no”

Do you often feel like you “must” help someone, even though you don’t want to? Do you constantly find yourself using the words “have to”?

While some tasks and obligations are truly mandatory, most aren’t. You are simply choosing to help someone in order to obtain the benefits of that help.

The next time you find yourself saying “I have to”, ask one simple question: Why?

If this doesn’t generate a valid reason, ask it again. Keep asking this simple question until you get to the root of your reasons for doing something you don’t want to do. Even if you decide to do it anyway, you will be doing so with a clear reason for your decision.

It's all about me...

4. Learn how to be selfish

It is important for you to take actions on your behalf on a daily basis – these are actions that you want to take for you, not for someone else. A great way to make sure you are taking these actions is to keep a daily “action list” of actions that you have taken on your behalf. This list should not include activities undertaken for others or because you feel like you “must” do them. These should be actions you have taken to better yourself, to make yourself happy, or to spoil yourself. This may seem selfish, but learning to do things for yourself is a key to being able to help others. Keep your daily action list for at least a week and see if you can make it longer each day.

If you are called to serve, congratulations! It can be one of the most rewarding ways to live and work. My hope for you is that you recognize the difference between service and servitude so the world can continue to reap the benefits of your gifts.

We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.
- Carl Jung

Round and round we go...

Michele Woodward, a fellow Martha Beck coach, wrote a brave and wonderful blog post about owning up to and learning from our failures and mistakes. Her assertion is that if we admit our mistakes, we can analyze them, figure out what went wrong, and make adjustments next time.

I agree with everything in Michele’s post. I know I could learn something from the honest way she assessed her mistakes and moved on without blame.

And speaking of blame… In my opinion, one of the worst ways you can deal with a mistake is to think you are somehow not *worthy* of recovering from it.

This is NOT you!

For example, have you ever done something so colossally stupid that you decided to punish yourself by continuing to do the colossally stupid thing that got you into the mess in the first place?

Or you just gave up because you figured anyone dumb enough to get into such a despicable situation doesn’t deserve to get out of it?

You know, logically, that this doesn’t make any sense. But we can all tell stories about people who have lost relationships, jobs, and businesses because a mistake convinced them that they didn’t deserve happiness or success.

This is sort of like accidentally cutting your finger, then deciding to fix it by chopping off the entire finger… then your arm… then your other arm…

Stop the punishment!

We all make mistakes – some large, some small. But once the mistake is made, you have a decision:

Live in the past and repeat the mistake

OR

recognize that YOU are not your mistakes and move on.

Doesn't she look unhappy... or at least deranged?

Still not convinced? Think of it this way. You make thousands of good decisions every day. You brush your teeth. You put clothes on before leaving home. You suppress your desire to yell at the person driving the car in front of you. You tell your significant other he or she looks nice. You might even eat a healthier lunch than yesterday, or let someone cut in front of you on the interstate, or cover for your colleague who is having a bad day.

So, why do you beat yourself up for the one or two dumb things you did? Even if you did 100 dumb things every day, you would still come out ahead from a statistical point of view.

What do you think defines you, the 9,999 good decisions you made today, or the 1 bad decision?

Bottom line: Every moment, you can reinvent yourself. The past is over and done. Your mistakes are a sunk cost (remember that college economics class?). Move on.

Treat every moment as if the previous moment (or mistake) didn’t happen.

You are not defined by your mistakes. But you ARE defined by how you deal with them.

You and your business deserve to succeed. Don’t let any mistakes tell you otherwise.

The Fall Equinox is when day and night are equal, and after today the days will get shorter and shorter until the Winter Solstice in December. This time is associated with the harvest – a time when you assess where you are at and make plans to withstand the coldness of winter.

Since today is a major transition point in the year, you may feel a desire to take stock of where you are… for example:

What is working right now in your life, career, and business?

What isn’t working?

How can you rearrange your priorities to focus on what is most important?

Most importantly, how can you celebrate the parts of your life and work that are wonderful?

Here are some of the things I am thankful for:

• A husband and family that support me, no matter what
• Friends who accept my quirks and allow me to poke fun at theirs
• My neighborhood, which has become a community I adore
• A body that allows me to get up every morning and do my moving meditation (speed walking), which keeps me sane
• Awesome clients and colleagues who allow me to keep doing what I love to do

What about you? Don’t wait until Thanksgiving. Now is the time to get together with friends and family to celebrate what you have been given over the last year, and to look forward to using those gifts as the days get shorter and shorter.

Start giving thanks now.

Pretending to be happy or unruffled when your primary identity has suffered a deathblow will only lengthen the sadness, while allowing yourself to feel it will help it dissipate as quickly as possible.

- Martha Beck

My father-in-law passed away very recently, very unexpectedly. This was unbelievably hard, and everyone in the family is dealing with the grief in their own way.

However, I thought one young family member’s approach was particularly appropriate. About two weeks after my father-in-law’s death, this child decided to grieve the old fashioned way: by throwing a full blown tantrum. Screaming. Crying. Choking. The whole thing. For 40 minutes.

This kid is a genius. (Of course, I’m biased… he is related to my husband, after all.)

I started thinking…

1. Why can’t we all do this?

2. Why do we reserve grieving for “bad” losses?

Loss is loss is loss.

Of course, some loss, like death or major illness or the end of a relationship, is in its own league. This is big, bad loss.

However, if you decide to quit your job, or get engaged, or earn a promotion, there is still loss… it is just wrapped in sheep’s clothing.

Everyone expects you to be happy, but the reality is that you must grieve the loss of the “old” you before you can celebrate the “new” you. Otherwise, you may find that you can’t enjoy the great new life you have created – or that you feel like an impostor in your new life.

When you change your life for the better, don’t be surprised if you still experience symptoms of grief, such as:

• Headaches
• Anxiety
• Muscle tightness
• Feelings of guilt
• Fear of the future
• Out-of-character emotional responses
• Moodiness
• Inability to rest or pronounced fatigue
• Numbness

If so, realize this is normal and give yourself time to grieve. Martha Beck, author of Finding Your Own North Star, recommends the following:

• First and foremost, recognize that you have experienced a loss. You can’t move on to your new life until you recognize that you have to move away from your old one.
• Give yourself more time to do normal tasks. You may feel a bit distracted, and this will slow you down.
• Find a sympathetic ear and share your feelings.
• If the loss or change was sudden, do not make any major decisions quickly. You may regret these decisions later when you are thinking more clearly.
• Realize that change can often bring on more change. For example, you may find that you now want to hang out with different people, do different things, or go different places.
• Keep in mind that the grief you are experiencing is not necessarily a sign that the change is bad. It is normal to be sad when you change your life, even if you know the change is good.
• Don’t try to pretend like you know what you are doing when you don’t. It will make you look foolish, or maybe worse, and that will not make dealing with the change any easier. Let people help you.
• Repeat the following mantra to yourself, “I don’t know what the hell is going on, and that’s okay.” Yes, this sounds strange, but don’t knock it till you try it. It works.

Allow yourself to go through this process, and your positive changes will feel even more sweet in the long run.

How do you handle “good” loss? Any other ideas?

Guilty as charged.

Of course, Geneen isn’t the first or last person to speak this truth. And her directive makes perfect sense to my logical, analytical mind. “Eat when you are hungry, and only when you are hungry.” Sounds so simple. Stomach growls = time to eat.

So why don’t we do it?

I mean, there are very obvious, physical symptoms of hunger. You would think it would be easy for us to tell. Right? Well, obviously not.

You are probably confused right now, because the title of this post is about money, not food or weight loss.

Here’s the tie-in:

It seems to me that money is (almost) just like food.

• We think it will make us happy, but it won’t.
• We don’t want to spend so much, but we keep doing it.
• We buy things we don’t need.
• Or, on the flip side, we don’t spend money on things that are really good for us.
• We worry about our financial fitness, but we never seem to do anything about it.
• Or, we don’t do anything good for us because we are spending so much time worrying about money.
• We buy things to fill emotional holes, and then we crash when the emotions don’t go away… which just leads to more spending.
• Or, we starve ourselves of things and activities that bring us joy so we can feel virtuous.
• We feel like money (and how much we have or don’t have) is a measure of our worth as a person.
• And like food, money is a “drug” that we must keep using in order to survive.

I’m writing about this because every single client and potential client I have worked with has talked about money. Money keeps them from making the leap to what they want, keeps them from getting the help that will get them unstuck, keeps them frozen. People’s beliefs about money can have dire consequences. This is so common that I have changed my coaching process to address beliefs about money upfront because I am 100% sure it is going to be a roadblock.

Now don’t get me wrong… if you need money to keep a roof over your head, this is very real. Obviously we need money to keep us out of cardboard boxes on the streets. And we all have a certain lifestyle that we are comfortable with.

This post is about situations where we think we need more money to make us happy when we actually don’t, or when our worries over money (rather than money itself) hold us back.

As an example, here is a very typical conversation I have with clients (details are changed, masked, and mixed up to protect the innocent):

Me: So, it sounds like you know what you want to do. Sounds really exciting, and I’m so glad it combines so many of your interests. I can tell you are really fired up about it. What’s keeping you from taking the next step?

Client: Well, I just don’t know how I’m going to earn enough money doing that.

Me: Ok. How much is enough?

Client: I can earn $7,500 per month doing my current work, so that is my goal.

Me: That would be nice. That’s a great goal. How much do you need right now?

Client: Umm. Need?

Me: Yes, need. How much money do you need to earn in order to pay your bills, maintain the important parts of your lifestyle… things like that…?

Client: Umm… well…

Me: Yes…?

Client: Well… I can pay my bills with a lot less. That’s not the issue. It is just that I can’t have a job where I don’t earn good money. I’ve always earned a lot of money.

Me: Ok. What would happen if you didn’t earn good money?

Client: I wouldn’t feel valuable. Like I wasn’t holding up my end of the bargain.

Me: What bargain is that?

Client: Um. Contributing to the family finances. I want to be an equal.

Me: So, money is the measurement system?

Client: Well, no. My partner doesn’t really care how much I earn. It isn’t like that. We just want to be happy.

Me: Ok… so happiness is the measurement system?

Client: It should be… I suppose it is.

Me: How would you measure happiness?

Client: By feeling like I can breathe. Like there is no tension in my shoulders.

Me: Cool. So when you think about your new career, you feel like that?

Client: Yes.

Me: And the measurement is happiness?

Client: Yes.

Me: And so are you ready to take the next step?

Client: Well, yes… Um. Actually, I’m still concerned. I’ve spent money before on new ideas, and they didn’t pan out. What if the same thing happens again?

Me: Yes, that could happen. What if it did?

Client: I would feel like a loser.

Me: Ok. So you are a loser if your new career venture doesn’t pan out?

Client: Um. Yes.

Me: So, your success is tied to how much you earn in your new career? What about the happiness part?

Client: I knew you were going to say that.

Me: Yep.

Client: So, I suppose you are trying to say I should go for the feeling where I can breathe, and I don’t have tension. That would be success?

Me: I’m not telling you that. But doesn’t that feel better?

Client: Yes.

Me: If you are earning $7,500 per month and you can’t breathe, what is that like?

Client: Hell.

Me: Ok. Hell doesn’t sound like a good option. So are you ready to take the next step?

Client: I think so. Although it does seem a bit frivolous with the economy the way it is. I want to, but maybe I should wait until things are more stable. Less risky.

Me: When you think about taking the next step, how does it feel?

Client: Like I said, open, no tension.

Me: Anything else?

Client: A bit nervous. Butterflies in my stomach.

Me: Is that a good feeling or a bad feeling?

Client: Good. Light.

Me: When else have you felt that way?

Client: When I started a non-profit many years ago.

Me: Tell me about that.

Client: Well, I started a non-profit, and it was a lot of work. A whole lot of work. I learned a lot. Met a lot of like-minded people. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

Me: What happened?

Client: It lasted for a while, and then I had to close it up. Just wasn’t the right time. Couldn’t make it work financially.

Me: Say more.

Client: Um… I’m glad I did it. It was a great experience. I just wish it would have succeeded.

Me: By success, you mean that it generated money.

Client: Hmm. I guess we are back to that again, huh?

Me: Yep.

Client: (Sigh) Ok. I know, I know. I had the time of my life. I closed it up when it was obviously not working, and I wasn’t irresponsible financially. So, I guess the point is that I would be smart enough to do that next time, if I needed to? And that it made me happy?

Me: Is that true?

Client: Yes.

Me: So, are you ready to take the next step?

Client: (Laughs) Yes. I am.

There are many interesting things about this conversation. But one of the most important in relation to this topic is that, while there are a lot of similarities between food and money, there is a major difference:

With food, we can physically feel the hunger. While we may often ignore it, we all know what a hunger pang feels like, and a growling stomach feels somewhat similar for everyone.

But with money, we don’t have an obvious (and audible) way to know when to spend, and when to save. When to take the leap, and when to hold back. When to keep going and when to stop.

The answer is different for each of us.

But the answer is still in your body. Notice how you feel when you just know that you are making the right decision. How you feel when you are doing what you love. How you feel when you are ready to take a risk and you are prepared to handle the upside and the potential downside.

And notice how you feel when you overspend, let a good opportunity pass, or make a decision based on someone else’s idea of success.

Once you notice, you’ll be able to use these feelings to make better decisions about money. Just like a growling stomach can tell you it is time for food.

What does this feel like for you?

I’m also curious: Have you read any good books that have helped you change your relationship with money?

The story, if you want to call it that, was about a competent-looking and articulate woman who “can’t find work” even though she has all kinds of impressive qualifications.

Here was the headline:

3 Degrees, 0 jobs: No guarantees in this economy

Really, you don’t say? You mean there aren’t any guarantees? You mean getting lots of degrees and being smart doesn’t mean I’ll be happy, successful, and wealthy?

When did that happen?

The answer: The beginning of time.

There have never been any guarantees. I don’t mean to sound harsh. Believe me, I personally realize how much it sucks to work hard all your life and then feel like the rug has been pulled out from under you. But let’s be honest: Being successful has nothing to do with guarantees.

In fact, the most successful people are those who take risks – knowing they might lose. Knowing they might look stupid to some people. Knowing they might have to try again. And again.

In all economies, including this one, real security comes from knowing you can handle whatever happens, not from getting a regular paycheck from an employer. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t work for someone – it just means that a paycheck one week is no guarantee that you will get one next week. This may be more of a risk today, but it has always been a risk. The key is knowing you have what it takes to pick yourself up and use your talents in a new and useful way.

Martha Beck, one of my favorite mentors, said: “You are living in a time when careers are created, not just chosen.”  I agree with Martha, except that I believe we should always create our careers rather than wait for someone to create them for us.

Is that easy? No.

Is it guaranteed to work? No.

Will you fail sometimes? Yes.

Is it scary? Yes.

There are no guarantees. And I genuinely believe that we would all be a lot happier and successful if we swallowed that pill, realized we were capable of a lot more than we realize, and set out to create our lives. No one else is going to do it for you.

So, there’s some tough love for you. What do you think?