Caryn Reddick: Success Statement

Pretending to be happy or unruffled when your primary identity has suffered a deathblow will only lengthen the sadness, while allowing yourself to feel it will help it dissipate as quickly as possible.

- Martha Beck

My father-in-law passed away very recently, very unexpectedly. This was unbelievably hard, and everyone in the family is dealing with the grief in their own way.

However, I thought one young family member’s approach was particularly appropriate. About two weeks after my father-in-law’s death, this child decided to grieve the old fashioned way: by throwing a full blown tantrum. Screaming. Crying. Choking. The whole thing. For 40 minutes.

This kid is a genius. (Of course, I’m biased… he is related to my husband, after all.)

I started thinking…

1. Why can’t we all do this?

2. Why do we reserve grieving for “bad” losses?

Loss is loss is loss.

Of course, some loss, like death or major illness or the end of a relationship, is in its own league. This is big, bad loss.

However, if you decide to quit your job, or get engaged, or earn a promotion, there is still loss… it is just wrapped in sheep’s clothing.

Everyone expects you to be happy, but the reality is that you must grieve the loss of the “old” you before you can celebrate the “new” you. Otherwise, you may find that you can’t enjoy the great new life you have created – or that you feel like an impostor in your new life.

When you change your life for the better, don’t be surprised if you still experience symptoms of grief, such as:

• Headaches
• Anxiety
• Muscle tightness
• Feelings of guilt
• Fear of the future
• Out-of-character emotional responses
• Moodiness
• Inability to rest or pronounced fatigue
• Numbness

If so, realize this is normal and give yourself time to grieve. Martha Beck, author of Finding Your Own North Star, recommends the following:

• First and foremost, recognize that you have experienced a loss. You can’t move on to your new life until you recognize that you have to move away from your old one.
• Give yourself more time to do normal tasks. You may feel a bit distracted, and this will slow you down.
• Find a sympathetic ear and share your feelings.
• If the loss or change was sudden, do not make any major decisions quickly. You may regret these decisions later when you are thinking more clearly.
• Realize that change can often bring on more change. For example, you may find that you now want to hang out with different people, do different things, or go different places.
• Keep in mind that the grief you are experiencing is not necessarily a sign that the change is bad. It is normal to be sad when you change your life, even if you know the change is good.
• Don’t try to pretend like you know what you are doing when you don’t. It will make you look foolish, or maybe worse, and that will not make dealing with the change any easier. Let people help you.
• Repeat the following mantra to yourself, “I don’t know what the hell is going on, and that’s okay.” Yes, this sounds strange, but don’t knock it till you try it. It works.

Allow yourself to go through this process, and your positive changes will feel even more sweet in the long run.

How do you handle “good” loss? Any other ideas?

Filed under: Career, Coaching, Quotes Tagged: | change, Finding Your Own North Star, Grief, Loss, Martha Beck