I finished reading Geneen Roth’s new book, Women Food and God, a few weeks ago. In a nutshell, Geneen’s premise is that our relationship with food is a direct reflection of our relationship with ourselves, our family, our friends, our community, our work, and just about everything else. Her belief is that if we only eat what our body really wants, and only when our body is truly hungry, we will experience our ideal body weight. She believes that many of us eat to fill emotional “holes” rather than because of hunger.
Guilty as charged.
Of course, Geneen isn’t the first or last person to speak this truth. And her directive makes perfect sense to my logical, analytical mind. “Eat when you are hungry, and only when you are hungry.” Sounds so simple. Stomach growls = time to eat.
So why don’t we do it?
I mean, there are very obvious, physical symptoms of hunger. You would think it would be easy for us to tell. Right? Well, obviously not.
You are probably confused right now, because the title of this post is about money, not food or weight loss.
Here’s the tie-in:
It seems to me that money is (almost) just like food.
- We think it will make us happy, but it won’t.
- We don’t want to spend so much, but we keep doing it.
- We buy things we don’t need.
- Or, on the flip side, we don’t spend money on things that are really good for us.
- We worry about our financial fitness, but we never seem to do anything about it.
- Or, we don’t do anything good for us because we are spending so much time worrying about money.
- We buy things to fill emotional holes, and then we crash when the emotions don’t go away… which just leads to more spending.
- Or, we starve ourselves of things and activities that bring us joy so we can feel virtuous.
- We feel like money (and how much we have or don’t have) is a measure of our worth as a person.
- And like food, money is a “drug” that we must keep using in order to survive.
I’m writing about this because every single client and potential client I have worked with has talked about money. Money keeps them from making the leap to what they want, keeps them from getting the help that will get them unstuck, keeps them frozen. People’s beliefs about money can have dire consequences. This is so common that I have changed my coaching process to address beliefs about money upfront because I am 100% sure it is going to be a roadblock.
Now don’t get me wrong… if you need money to keep a roof over your head, this is very real. Obviously we need money to keep us out of cardboard boxes on the streets. And we all have a certain lifestyle that we are comfortable with.
This post is about situations where we think we need more money to make us happy when we actually don’t, or when our worries over money (rather than money itself) hold us back.
As an example, here is a very typical conversation I have with clients (details are changed, masked, and mixed up to protect the innocent):
Me: So, it sounds like you know what you want to do. Sounds really exciting, and I’m so glad it combines so many of your interests. I can tell you are really fired up about it. What’s keeping you from taking the next step?
Client: Well, I just don’t know how I’m going to earn enough money doing that.
Me: Ok. How much is enough?
Client: I can earn $7,500 per month doing my current work, so that is my goal.
Me: That would be nice. That’s a great goal. How much do you need right now?
Client: Umm. Need?
Me: Yes, need. How much money do you need to earn in order to pay your bills, maintain the important parts of your lifestyle… things like that…?
Client: Umm… well…
Me: Yes…?
Client: Well… I can pay my bills with a lot less. That’s not the issue. It is just that I can’t have a job where I don’t earn good money. I’ve always earned a lot of money.
Me: Ok. What would happen if you didn’t earn good money?
Client: I wouldn’t feel valuable. Like I wasn’t holding up my end of the bargain.
Me: What bargain is that?
Client: Um. Contributing to the family finances. I want to be an equal.
Me: So, money is the measurement system?
Client: Well, no. My partner doesn’t really care how much I earn. It isn’t like that. We just want to be happy.
Me: Ok… so happiness is the measurement system?
Client: It should be… I suppose it is.
Me: How would you measure happiness?
Client: By feeling like I can breathe. Like there is no tension in my shoulders.
Me: Cool. So when you think about your new career, you feel like that?
Client: Yes.
Me: And the measurement is happiness?
Client: Yes.
Me: And so are you ready to take the next step?
Client: Well, yes… Um. Actually, I’m still concerned. I’ve spent money before on new ideas, and they didn’t pan out. What if the same thing happens again?
Me: Yes, that could happen. What if it did?
Client: I would feel like a loser.
Me: Ok. So you are a loser if your new career venture doesn’t pan out?
Client: Um. Yes.
Me: So, your success is tied to how much you earn in your new career? What about the happiness part?
Client: I knew you were going to say that.
Me: Yep.
Client: So, I suppose you are trying to say I should go for the feeling where I can breathe, and I don’t have tension. That would be success?
Me: I’m not telling you that. But doesn’t that feel better?
Client: Yes.
Me: If you are earning $7,500 per month and you can’t breathe, what is that like?
Client: Hell.
Me: Ok. Hell doesn’t sound like a good option. So are you ready to take the next step?
Client: I think so. Although it does seem a bit frivolous with the economy the way it is. I want to, but maybe I should wait until things are more stable. Less risky.
Me: When you think about taking the next step, how does it feel?
Client: Like I said, open, no tension.
Me: Anything else?
Client: A bit nervous. Butterflies in my stomach.
Me: Is that a good feeling or a bad feeling?
Client: Good. Light.
Me: When else have you felt that way?
Client: When I started a non-profit many years ago.
Me: Tell me about that.
Client: Well, I started a non-profit, and it was a lot of work. A whole lot of work. I learned a lot. Met a lot of like-minded people. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done.
Me: What happened?
Client: It lasted for a while, and then I had to close it up. Just wasn’t the right time. Couldn’t make it work financially.
Me: Say more.
Client: Um… I’m glad I did it. It was a great experience. I just wish it would have succeeded.
Me: By success, you mean that it generated money.
Client: Hmm. I guess we are back to that again, huh?
Me: Yep.
Client: (Sigh) Ok. I know, I know. I had the time of my life. I closed it up when it was obviously not working, and I wasn’t irresponsible financially. So, I guess the point is that I would be smart enough to do that next time, if I needed to? And that it made me happy?
Me: Is that true?
Client: Yes.
Me: So, are you ready to take the next step?
Client: (Laughs) Yes. I am.
There are many interesting things about this conversation. But one of the most important in relation to this topic is that, while there are a lot of similarities between food and money, there is a major difference:
With food, we can physically feel the hunger. While we may often ignore it, we all know what a hunger pang feels like, and a growling stomach feels somewhat similar for everyone.
But with money, we don’t have an obvious (and audible) way to know when to spend, and when to save. When to take the leap, and when to hold back. When to keep going and when to stop.
The answer is different for each of us.
But the answer is still in your body. Notice how you feel when you just know that you are making the right decision. How you feel when you are doing what you love. How you feel when you are ready to take a risk and you are prepared to handle the upside and the potential downside.
And notice how you feel when you overspend, let a good opportunity pass, or make a decision based on someone else’s idea of success.
Once you notice, you’ll be able to use these feelings to make better decisions about money. Just like a growling stomach can tell you it is time for food.
What does this feel like for you?
I’m also curious: Have you read any good books that have helped you change your relationship with money?
My father-in-law passed away very recently, very unexpectedly. This was unbelievably hard, and everyone in the family is dealing with the grief in their own way.
